The Myth of Peckules

WARNING ! the following page contains bad language that might offend the very young and the very old.

The Mycenaean period.

Peckules escapes Uranus.

Mike peck was born in Speke,which is on the outskirts of Liverpool in 1961. He was a skinny kid with fiery red hair and had more front than Brighton. I first met Mike at Astmoor junior school. In class most kids hated him but no one dared to tell him to his face. I was one of the few, who liked him but I can't remember why?maybe I was just scared of him. He was the kind of kid that if you crossed he would find a way to pay you back ten fold. If he had an instant dislikeing to you, then he had the habit of wipeing a crow on your clothing or spitting on your back.He wasn't the 'cock of the class' that accolade belonged to Kevin Winrow but he was someone to be wary of because of his fiery nature.

The Heroes and Sportsman

Soccerates "son of Peleus"

Mike was an ambassador of sport and played every thing to win. He was the master of curling a football from a free kick way before anyone every thought of it; in fact I think he invented it. He retained a permanent position in Astmoor junior school football team and always got his name on the score sheet. I found it hard to get half a game in the football team, It had quite a pool of talented young players and I always considered myself pretty good at football. My nickname for him was 'the goal hanger' because he always hanged around the goal and sneaked the ball in the net, even if it was going in already. We didn't play any sort of off-side rule at junior level, so if you hovered around the oppositions goal mouth like a vulture the pickings were plentiful.

Cocalus ball & the Golden Lamb

During summer when the footy season was over , we played cricket or tennis. We played crick et on the field next to Saint Augustine's church with the mongs from kingshead close. Mike always had to score more runs than anyone else and he perfected the 'Alan Knott technique' of swooping down on one knee while playing the shot. His bowling was mediocre but he didn't care batting was the important thing and cheating, he was good at both.In cricket Mike was judge and jury and if he didn't get the right verdict then it was "up sticks" and game over.

The end of Tannis-Borg

We played tennis at the courts by the old Norton priory and mostly sneaked on without paying.One day some kids swore blind he was the Borg with his long hair, hair-band and stubble. Hell! He even had the double-handed backhand and the shit serve. But even so until I read the Rod Laver book of coaching, He always beat me when I played him. Then as I realised that body positioning and correct racket grip produced less faults, he was the one getting the thrashing. He refused to read the book because he said Rod Laver looked like my old man and what did he know about tennis but that's another story.

The scholar and philosopher.

His claim to fame at secondary school was ;

Prometheus meets Helius.

Burning down the metalwork room with his old sidekick whose name I can't remember but he was a bad lad.

The building of the Argo.

In woodwork class he destroyed some gonks baseball bat by sawing a split in the end and then running around with it in between his legs shouting give us a gobble. I think he got a detention or something and the resulting episode ended in the classic teacher line at the time " are you sick or something lad".

The feast of Bellerus.

Shouting at Gus (the headmaster) "Gus has got a dick like a maggot" from the back of the dinner queue then hiding, he was grassed up by some bell end and sent off to stand outside Gus's office.

Chiron,Hades and the river Styx.

Gobbing on the ceiling and waiting for it drop on someone's head, it actually fell on Mr Wrigley's head, my form tutor.

The Fire breathing Chimaera

Wiping a crow (stuff out your nose) on big Bob's hand. Bob was fifteen and probably weighed fifteen stone. He had a beard and frightened people for a living. Big Bob wanted to break Mike's back but Mr Wrigley intervened and managed to sooth the wild beast, while all the time Mike was laughing his head off. I think when Bob calmed down he realised Mike wasn't the full shilling.

Queen of the Amazons Hippolyte

In school it was a neat little trick to grab some girl's arse or tit, and then duck down behind the group you were with and then watch as they got an earful off, the victim. Mike grabbed Debbie Harding's arse, she turned round blamed Ste Rodgers -the nearest person- and then give him a smack in the chops. I once wrote on my science book Ste Roger's is a B.B.D with visual aids and got a detention. The teacher 'Jonesy' referred to the drawings as crudities and filth.

The Titans

Mikes greatest passion after sport was big tits, when I say big I mean enormous. After leaving school in May 1977 we started signing on at the dole. We always went to la Rendezvous café in the old town for breakfast, followed by a quick shop lifting session in the newsagents next-door were he nicked dirty books with names like Peaches, Bounce and Bra busters. He had a secret hiding place inside an old monopoly game in his bedroom to avoid detection from his mum.


The One Labour of Peckules

My first job after leaving school was working for Wimpy's the builders at the windmill hill site, Its still a site now but there's a (h) in between the(s) and the (i) , according to sign when entering the estate. Mike worked there as well, when I say worked I mean pissed about. He managed to upset nearly everyone on site the list is endless but here's what I remember :

The Ten Labourers cursed by Peckules

His Helen of Romans close

Mikes first girlfriend was called Rainer, sounds weird and she was weird. She was the great love of his life but it all end in tears down at the Barge with either one of the favourite lines used by women to dump men without hurting their feelings "I have a strange feeling or there's something wrong" anyway he got blown out. He told people he had hit her on the head with a 12-inch torch because she refused to have sex with him "what a guy" and the other thing about the Quo poster but its too crude.

Helen of Torchy

The Achilles heel

Some bloke who fancied her was taking the piss out of Mike one night in barge just after the split "big mistake" because on the way out Mike sneakily tripped him up and he smashed his head on the concrete decking. Mike slipped away laughing his head off. Thinking back it was a bit of a 'Nogbad the Bad' moment.

Pandoras box of joylessness.

Her name was Joy but the Joy she brought to men/boys was short lived. I met her in the Barge pub one night when Mike and I bumped into his then ex-girlfriend Rainer. Mike was trying to chat Rainer up and joy started chatting to me. She was like a dog on heat and within minutes of talking to her she was sticking her tongue down my throat. She was a girl of few words "can I have a kiss and let's go to bed". I could have been dealt four aces in a game of five-card stud that night; I was on fire and felt great. Not only did I have joy eating my face, Jeff's ex wife turned up with some stunner mate and was also trying to chat me up too. It had to be the 'Greatest night out ever' of my life in terms totty bagging.

The Return of Peckules

Mike was my Bessie mate and when I finally managed to pick up a women he had another 'Nogbad the Bad' moment and slept with her. It wasn't really his fault he told me she was gagging for it and wouldn't leave him alone. She apparently kept ringing him up everyday until he eventually, gave up and went for a drink with her at the barge. He said he didn't want to shag her because he didn't fancy her. However, he was quite willing to let her blow his Old fellow but said she wanted the whole package. He told me that he fucked her off the next day but I'll never know what really happened because I went into a yearlong sulk refusing to speak to either of them.

I wonder if she met his trusty torch, maybe not?

The Apollo

Mike liked most rock/metal music but Black Sabbath, Rory Gallagher, inxs and the Quo were probably his most favourite bands. In the late seventies I went to see loads of bands with him at the Apollo in Liverpool - too many to name- and we always went the Cherry on Wednesday "rock Night".

Oedipus Rex-a bit of Greek tragedy

He had a dog-called Rex and it must have been very old because I remember it when I was a kid. It was still around in the mid eighties because that's how he met and become friends with Kenny Parko, during a dog shitting session down the Bridgewater canal.Kenny had a mate who he introduced to Mike and they all became drinking buddies.The only problem with this new mate of kenny's was that every time he got pissed he use to go on a vandalising spree.One night they ended up down the canal and he sunk somebody's boat by smashing holes in the bottom. Eventually he got nicked and disappeared of the scene.

I also remember him insisting on taking the dog out for a walk after we had been drinking some home brew I made and he was so pissed he smashed his head open on the wall in the car park. He also use to take it for a walk up Fitzwilliam flats but stopped because some piss head give a earful about dogs farting and shitting all over the place.

The Albert map and Arthur Herd Adventure

The reason why mike made up these stupid names up is because he thought it clever to have them rhyme with shit and secondly he didn't want any comebacks just in case he got anyone in the family way. His method of contraception at the time was "blast it up em" followed by a very slow withdrawal. I had actual first hand knowledge of this because I was later to see him in action. We met these two sweet young things while on holiday in Wales and on the first date we got invited back to their caravan for some how's your father. One the second date, his one done a runner on the back of a triumph bonny while we where outside the old Vic in Lanbedre having a drink. Mike made an attempt to pull her off the back of bike but the rider did a 'bat out of hell' number. I found mike later in the car park head butting a wall, it was hard not to burst out laughing. I think it was another 'nogbad the bad' moment again. I decided to go back to the tent with him, after seeing the other girl back home. On returning mike said "if I knew you were coming back here I would have sneaked around to her caravan and given her one".

Mushy heaven and Hell

Mike had his first mushy trip round at Roy's and did a runner when Roy went bananas while looking into the mirror, looking into the mirror is not recommended on mushies especially when you're an ugly f*****. Roy managed to mash the tops of the taps when he freaked out shouting " I am deformed" and then all hell broke out in the form of mass hysteria. Mike ran home to his mum and told her he taken some mushrooms and needed to go to hospital. She hadn't got a clue what he had done and told him to stop being stupid.

Mike's next trip was in the fiddlers three alehouse where he spent all night laughing at the local nutcase. He also said Ian - Roy's cousin - had a nose like a lighthouse; I think that was because he had a huge spotty nose. He stopped doing the mushies because he said he wanted to be normal again and went back to getting pissed every other night.

Aphrodite and Eros

He went up to Roy's one night and Roy had this fat horrible scrubber visiting. Mike managed to persuade her to come round to his mum's at the weekend, while his mum was away. He told me she tried to nick his money out of his jeans while he was on the job with her. She drank two bottles of wine and burnt a hole in his mum's bed. He blamed the fag burn on me, telling his mum I had stayed the weekend and slept in her bed. The fat scrubber must have been a great shag because two bottles of wine and a new mattress must have cost him about £70.

The Vestal Virgins

note : a brass is a southern term attributed to a women of easy virtue i.e Fanny Hill

I met him down the barge one night; he was with these two ageing brass's from the Tanners and some old geezer. He came over because I was having a drink with the secret bender boy (chocks away I'm gay) and asked me if I fancied coming to sit with him and the brass's. I refused because I knew he only wanted me buy the ale for them - all night- in return for a possible dose. Anyway the next day I went round to see him and he give me the whole story of how he had had to shag both the brass's because the old geezer couldn't rise to occasion and his heart was Knackered.

The return of Ulysses

He said in morning about six kids ran in bedroom shouting "is that daddy' in bed with you mummy". Later, he drew back the curtains because someone was banging on the window. Outside was this psycho shouting he was going to kill him for shagging his wife, Mike made a quick getaway through the backdoor.

The seven Golden Voyages of Nogbad

Every year between 1978-1985 we travelled to Pendle hill at Halloween.Mike rode pillon on the back of my bike and we usually went with a group from the biking crowd. It was an annual pilgrimage for us and we usually slept in a tent at the back of Witches Galore in Newchurch. One year we slept in some farmer's barn just outside clitheroe. Mike kept calling john and Brian Blackburn oddbod and oddbod junior from 'Carry on Screaming' and thought it was funny when he pissed in someone's helmet, but it turned out to his own.

Homogaragantius

I wrote a story called One Summer for my GSCE English at college but it wasn't absolutely true. In the story we all stayed together both nights but in reality his didn't happen. Mike, Brian and Motty spent the first night in Ambleside. I ended up in Hawkshead - the campsite we spent the second night- with secret bender boy because I didn't want to leave my expensive tent on a car park. I went to the village pub with bender boy and they got shit faced in some trendy wine bar and invited back to a swinging party. Mike pissed on the balcony carpet and got them thrown out. He also tried a bong but was blowing instead of sucking and they thought he was taking the piss, which he probably was because he didn't smoke. When they got back to the tent, it was pissing it down and tent collapsed because Motty jumped on it. He then slept in a puddle of water in his sleeping bag while Mike and Brian slept in the tent with no centre pole. They all got pissed wet threw.

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