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Character Assassination

Jeremy Clarkeson

Lanky bell end with face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.Hair looks a syrup of figs or dead cat.

James May

Too much hair for an old geezer looks like Bagpuss after an all day bender, probably a Status Quo fan as well. Also does some gash show about booze with Oz clarke thats definitely for the chop very soon because it's fucking crap.

Richard Hammond

Nickname 'The hamster'. Flammable test pilot for dinky toys & the little cunt off the morrison's telly adverts.Made an excellent career move when he tried to kill himself in some kind of rocket car, maybe next time though!.

The Stig

Who gives a fuck? probably test rides Belfast taxi's(battery powered shopping scooter for lazy fat old people)

Program Evaluation

The program is aimed at males in their late-teens and early twenties, who spend too much time jerking-off over fifth on their moby's and dreaming of owning cars they will never be able to afford. They are a bit like Lottery dreamers - wake up you've got more chance of being of run over by some twat in a fast car.

The program tests flashy cars that only barristers or other professionals can afford.The most important attributes of these projectiles are speed,comfort and handling. Comments like' I love the way the dash is set out and the teak and black leather finish is the dogs'make me want to spew. Who give a toss what the inside of a car looks like apart from silly girls. It's a fucking car you can't live in it,you can't have a dump in it and you can't get pissed in it. It serves one purpose to get you from A to B preferably using as little fuel as possible. Most cars spend 90% of their time sitting outside parked up, decreasing in value rapidly.

Handling and speed mean nothing where the fuck are going to achieve your top speed. The roads are congested to fuck and speeding cameras are strapped to every lamp post. After being stuck on the M6 for five hours, Maybe you could drive up to Scotland for a quick blast every weekend .Driving down the local motorway at a ton plus is only practicable, if you have a time machine fitted to your car and set dial to the seventies. If you haven't then say goodbye to your licence.

Fuel economy, running costs and longevity do not appear to have any significance on the testing. This might be because the audience this program appeals to don't give a flying fuck about the planet or pollution.

Programs like top gear/fifth gear are doomed just like the car industry itself. I can't possibly see people driving anything but slow, boring electric or hydrogen cars in ten years time, by then Jez and his pals will surely by forgotten or dead preferably the latter.

Just as they used to say on Tiswas "this is what they want" more cars that achieve CO2 ratings of less than 100g/km, more elecrtric cars and low running costs. here's a few examples care of what green car ;

Terrorist team

Osama bin laden

Just a normal guy, that carries a machine gun around with him all the time.

Richard Reid

Some bloke from England wrongly arrested for protesting about CO2 emissions on planes.


Tooled up! pakistani bloke upholding his rights to bear arms against the invasion of foreign forces.

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Date : 2nd feb 2009. copyright@