Fatman's guide to understanding wine origins

THE EXPERT

Wine colour.

Red wine can only be made from black grapes. The colour comes from the skin, if the skins are removed the wine will be white. Green grapes produce white wine only. Rose wine is made by leaving the skins in for a short period or by the blending of red and white.

Type.

Sweet, medium and dry refers to taste in relation to sugar content left after fermentation. Dry being unsweetened.

Classification.

FATMAN’S

Wine colour

Reddish with what can only be described as bits of slug scum floating down the side. Whitish with bits of the same slug scum creeping down the side and what looks like decaying frogspawn floating of the bottom.

Rose wine is made by blending reddish with whitish to give shittyish.

Type

Sweet, medium and dry. Sweet caused by unfermented sugar and not reading instructions properly.

Classification by type FATMAN STYLE

Type                               Colour                  Comment

Night of the Demon

Red

Morning of all day shithouse. Damson flavour. Poison can cause bowel and organ movement.

Hallam University

Red

Acidic student Piss goes well with an old brass and a gram Charlie though.

Black Cherry

Red

Soft fruity/nutty like the inside of a squashed road kill squirrel.

Red witch

Red

Fruity blackberry.being used as a flavouring for poor quality meat or veggie meat. 

Pineapple

White

Acidic unknown. Still got complete stock. None starter need to give it to a wino or colin Nolan wine guinea pig

Elderberry

Red

Slimy yuk with bits floating in it. could pass it off as a merlot to unsuspecting guests.

Scarecrow

Red

Like kind of scary acidic fruity bat shit. Too scared to drink it

Bilberry

Red

Unknown could be a winner. Waiting results from Tom& jenny but don’t expect much joy

Halloween Special

Red

Mysterious acidic but when the mystery over the shitting starts should be called “eye of the needle”

Chardonnay

White

out of stock. I drank it; it was nice tasty bit kit wine. No bits no side effects

 Classification by type PROFESSIONAL STUFF

Table wine

With meal. Drunk by the middle classes in the hope that people will see how sophisticated they look when they get smashed and start talking about the life of Bryon - A Monty python film.  

Liqueurs

After meal i.e. Port with cigars and posh birds.Goes well with fast car talk, Jeremy Clarkson drunk a bottle of port in 0-60 secs, he’s got loads of torque, all shit. Lanky prick.

Desert wine

With sweet or pudding. Gay person pre-bumming and snogging tipple. Not for the faint hearted or straight

People. Christopher biggins favourite drink just before bed laced with a couple of Viagra tabs.  

Mead

Anytime, before, during and after meal. Stuff that made knights shit themselves and where the saying “cast iron stomach” comes from.

 

Champagne

Traditional celebration drink for rich show offs and wankers. Thrown at ships to test sea

worthiness by royalty.

Aperitif

Before meal-Sherry. what old ladies & vicars drink to get cabbaged.

Fortification professionals.

Increase alcohol content by spirit volume.

 Fortification fatman.

A bit like what Carlsberg did with special brew. Bump up the alcohol content comatose the drinkers. 

International variety of grape professionals.

Wines originate by reputation from France, Germany and Italy. French wines are associated with the province of Bordeaux and burgundy.

National variety of fruit fatman.

Wines originate by reputation from people backyards, down by the Manchester ship canal and the posh variety by the Shropshire Union canal. Shit wines are associated with the province of the sewer farm just by the Manchester ship canal.

Red wine professional

Cabernet sauvignon a variety of grape with roots in Bordeaux, is also an international variety grown in California, chile, Bulgaria and Australia. Cabernet sauvignon is not a place in France; it’s a grape variant.

Red wine fatman

Night of the demon a variety of damson and has roots in Chester. It is not grown anywhere else because it tastes like shit. Hallam Uni has roots in Derbyshire but is nothing to do with the scumbag uni of the same name.  

White wine professional

Chardonnay a variety of grape with roots in burgundy is predominately white but can be rose or pink by blending. It is internationally grown worldwide.

White wine fatman

Chardonnay is a nice bit of kit that I drank before it had time to settle in the bottle- not for export. Pineapple wine has roots growing out the cork and needs pouring down a winos neck. Pissing in it could enhance it the flavour. 

Table of red/white classification

Type                               Colour                  Comment

Cabernet sauvignon

Red

Full bodied blackcurrant

Merlot

Red

Fruity

Pinot Noir

Red or white

Soft fruity

Syrah

Red

Fruity blackberry

Sauvignon blanc

White

Acidic green vegetal

Riesling

White

Peachy

Muscat

White

Sparkling grapey

Gewurztraminer

White

Spicy exotic fruity

Semillon

White

Sweet

Chardonnay

White

Buttery

FATMANS RECIPE                                      

5LB OF DAMSONS

1 LITRE OF RED GRAPE JUICE

2 GALLONS OF WATER

1 TEASPOON OF YEAST NUTRIENT

1 SACHET OF YEAST

3 LEMONS

½ TEASPOON OF PECTIN ADDITIVE

 STAGE 1.FIRST STAGE JUST TO RELEASE PECTINS TO STOP WINE GELLING UP 

ADD 1 GALLON OF BOILING WATER TO 5LB OF DAMSONS – COOL TO 70 C THEN ADD PECTIN LEAVE FOR 48 HOURS.

STAGE 2. SECOND STAGE FERMENTATION OF MUST

ADD 1 GALLON OF BOILING WATER – COOL TO 70 C THEN ADD LEMONS, YEAST NUTRIENT, YEAST, TEA AND GRAPE JUICE < RECIPE NEEDED 6LB S OF DAMSONS ADD GRAPE JUICE TO COMPENSATE >.

ADD 500ML OF BLACKCURRENT CONCENTRATE TO GIVE BODY.

*********ABOVE CAUSED ALL SORTS OF PROBLEMS*********

LEAVE FOR 4-5 DAYS TO FERMENT.

TRANSFER TO DEMIJOHN’S FOR SECONDARY FERMENTATION THIS SHOULD MAKE 2 GALLONS EASY

APPEARANCE

DARK REDDISH WITH ORRIBLE FLOATIES

TASTE

RESULTING WINE TASTED LIKE BLACKCURRENT CORDIAL –SHITE AND POISONED ANYONE WHO DRANK IT!

COSTS

DAMSONS FREE

GRAPE JUICE 80 PENCE

LEMONS  45 PENCE

BLACKCURRENT JUICE 60  PENCE

YEAST 80 PENCE

YEAST NUTRIENT 20 PENCE 

TOTAL £2.85 =  23 PENCE A BOTTLE @ 12 BOTTLES

FATMANS PINEAPPLE WINE

RECIPE

2lbs OF PINEAPPLE TINNED/FRESH

2 LITRES OF PINEAPPLE JUICE

2 LITRES OF WATER

1 TEASPOON OF YEAST NUTRIENT

1 SACHET OF YEAST

3 LEMONS

½ TEASPOON OF PECTIN ADDITIVE

TOP UP WITH GRAPEFRIUT JUICE DURING FERMENTATION ½ LITRE TO MAKE 1 GALLON

 APPEARANCE

**********TURNED OUT LIKE MURCKY PISS WITH JIZZ FLOATING IN IT******************************** *****

TASTE

***********WHAT WINE TASTED LIKE WE WILL NEVER KNOW, COS NO ONE WOULD DRINK IT!***************

COSTS

SUGAR                             0 .85           

 PINEAPPLE  JUICE            1. 60 PENCE

LEMONS                                     0.45 PENCE

PINEAPPLE TINNED            1.00  PENCE

YEAST                                       80 PENCE

YEAST NUTRIENT                  20 PENCE 

TOTAL £4.90 =  81p A BOTTLE @ 6 BOTTLES

IF YOU WOULD LIKE A FREE BOTTLE (RECPIENT PAYS P&P =£5) E-MAIL ME ON fatmanswine@hotmail.com AND I’LL SEND YOU A SMASHED BOTTLE IN SOAKING BROWN PAPER STINKING OF PISS OR ALTERNATETIVELY JUST GET AN EMPTY WINE BOTTLE YOURSELF AND FILL IT UP WITH PISS, DON’T FORGET THE TUG WAX. 


Other Damson wine recipes 1 of 2

Ingredients : -

3 lb ripe damsons

3 lb sugar

6 pts cold water

pectic enzyme

campden tablet

gp wine yeast

yeast nutrientsDamson wine recipe 2 of 2

Ingredients :-

3 lb ripe damsons

3 lb sugar

1 gallon cold water

pectic enzyme

campden tablets

gp wine yeast

yeast nutrients Instructions :

Damson wine (Country summer style)

Damson wine recipe 2 of 2

Ingredients :-


3 lb ripe damsons

3 lb sugar 1 gallon cold water

pectic enzyme campden tablets 

gp wine yeast 

yeast nutrients Instructions :Damson--Easy Peasy
Method 1
Pour 2 pints boiling water over 21b of damsons and leave 24 hours, strain off and add to a Beaverdale 1gall wine Shiraz kit with a teaspoon of pectolase and 8oz sugar.
Damson 2 Full Bodied
4lb Damsons
1.5kg sugar
1 tsp citric acid
1 tsp pectolase
yeast  nutrient
Yeast- Gervin  no 2 is ideal.
These fruits have a great flavour but don't boil or soak them too long. 
Pour 2 pints boiling water over the fruit and leave overnight.
Next day add 4 pints cold water, and everything else.
Leave 24 hours and strain off. Do not squeeze too much!
Pour into a demi john 
Leave until it stops frothing(about 2 days) and fill up with cold water to the shoulder of the demi john.
Ferment out as normal, when it stops fermenting( bubbles stop) siphon off into a clean dem-john  and add a campden tablet and a potassium sorbate tablet. .
Leave about a month if it doesn't clear, add finings and another campden tablet.

 CURSE OF DAMSON LABEL IS A COPYRIGHT  OF NOLAN WINE INDUSTRY